Navigating Through Life After Loss
Navigating my life according to my previous plans following the loss of my parents was grueling to say the least. I was lost and hopeless and as if all of this wasn’t exhausting enough; I was faced with the reality that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself financially (and emotionally) for the foreseeable future. My life at this point revolved around me trying to “get my shit together” and failing miserably. As I desperately tried to make progress and take a step forward, along came another trial and shook me to my core — thus, back to square one I went.
Drowning is the most accurate word I can use to express how these trying times felt. I felt as if I was buried underwater and couldn’t, for the life of me summon the power to push myself up and above the sea of misery I was trapped in, even for a brief moment just long enough to finally take a deep breath and feel alive one more time. I had completely shut myself out and pushed everyone around me away. Unfortunately, this is what trauma does to you. Depression is a lonely and dark place and as it turns out, it also takes away the ability to function as a “normal” human being. As you lose your ability to operate daily tasks required from you and engage in necessary human contact, the isolation deepens and the further you sink into the void.
As grim and despairing as it sounds, there is a way out of this god-forsaken place and once you make it out, you are no longer the same person who walked into it. It changes you, hopefully for the better. Trying to build your life back up from a bleak void is hard but with time, patience and a little courage to face your fears, your life truly starts to transition toward a less nauseating zone. It took me a little bit longer than I would like to admit but despite the trials, I ultimately managed to turn my life around.
One by one, every aspect of my life I had lost hope for, be it career, physical and mental health and relationships started to mend. All it took was several years and a lot of lonely, pain filled nights. We all know how difficult life is, we all accept the vicissitudes and power through the adversities because frankly, we do not have a choice. Some of us are more resilient to pain and others develop this resilience over time. Nevertheless, we all learn something from our experience. The loss I experienced at a relatively young age taught me to stay strong and push through every obstacle sent my way. Today, courtesy of my past, I embody a much stronger woman who stands her ground and faces her problems rather than running away from them.
I will be honest with you, it wasn’t easy. Nothing worthwhile having in life is ever easy. My biggest loss and hindrance in life was time, arguably the most precious gift we have since we have a limited amount of it and it is forever fleeting. I spent my twenties grieving, trying to figure myself out and re-navigating my life to build myself a new future. As the infamous saying by John Lennon goes, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. At the end my life did not turn out to be how I had planned it and I ended up losing many years, — years which should have been the most fruitful period of my life.
Consequently, my gratification was delayed. Today, the time I have lost licking my wounds and “getting my shit together” remains to be my greatest handicap and trigger, but more on that later. Right now I am content and grateful for the trials which have made me the person I am today. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, riding out the storm and surviving the aftermath, without falling into the trap of running away or giving up completely just because it’s the easier choice, opens doors and horizons you’d otherwise fail to see. Trauma will change you regardless; you decide which route you’re going to take — pits of self-pity and depression or enlightenment and spiritual awakening?
January 14, 2020
